"And that's what adulthood is: you wake from the nightmare and realize there's no bigger bed to climb into." Everyone has a different nightmare, a fear of some sort. My nightmare? Dating.
I always thought I was good at it. I would go out with a guy, he'd like me, I'd like him, we'd end up in a relationship. This went on for about 12 years...3 relationships, about a month or 2 in between. Easy. When the last one ended about a year and a half ago, I realized I didn't know who I was. I had spent so much time adjusting to someone else's idea of life, of who I should be, that I was completely lost. I needed a new start, a new me. And so it begins.
I didn't date for a while, about 8 and a half months to be exact. Then it happened. While celebrating St. Patrick's Day, I met a boy. I didn't like him initially. I liked interacting with him, but I wasn't interested. After a declined invitation and 2 cancellations, I caved. I'm not going to lie, when I finally went out with him, I was instantly taken with this one. 3 months in, he tells me how much he likes me, thinks about me, misses me, blah, blah blah. It was everything a girl wants to hear. The next morning, he got up early, left on a plane for work, and basically never spoke to me again. He had once played the song "Chances Are" from the movie Country Strong for me. If you aren't familiar, google the lyrics. You'll wonder why I didn't run full force in the other direction immediately. But, there I was, actually here I am, wondering what the hell just happened. Not really the happily ever after ending I was promised as a little girl.
Fast forward 7 months. I've not dated anyone since. I was happy. I had a ton of new friends, new activities, and kept my social calendar slam-packed with fun. Then it happened. I was out celebrating my birthday with a friend when he walked by. He caught my attention immediately. In fact, so quickly that I said to my friend, "there he is. he is my type." This should have been my first red flag. A therapist once told me, if you have a type and are always getting the same results, try something (someone) new. Next time you see a group of guy, don't go for the one you are attracted to...go for one of his friends. I should have taken his advice.
It wasn't long before I caught his attention and he came over, well sent a friend over, to talk to me. We went out the next night. For about 2 months, he texted daily, initiated seeing me a couple of times a week, met several of my friends. I was smitten. Can you guess what happened next? Yep, nightmare. Deja vu to say the least.
How is it I keep finding myself in the same position? What am I missing? What am I doing wrong? How many girls ask themselves the same questions after a break-up or a disappearing act?
As I lie here on my couch, wondering why my latest crush isn't texting, I can't help but think how much happier I was when I wasn't dating. If it weren't for him, I would have gone out with one of my girlfriends like I do every Wednesday night, enjoying the night, not worrying about a boy or not checking my phone constantly for a new message.
So, here I am. This is my nightmare. Dating. My mommy, daddy or prince charming isn't here to wipe away the tears, kiss away the hurt or even place a band-aid over the still bleeding wound. And, the only bed to crawl into is my own.
The question remains, do I stay awake for fear of the nightmare or do I dare to dream?
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