Grab Your Umbrella, It Looks Like Rain!

I am constantly working on my faith.  In stormy times, it is so hard to rely on faith and not try to take things into your own hands.  Unfortunately for me, life has consisted of some kind of storm or another for the past 4 or 5 years.  Two significant break-ups, medical problems, being laid off from a job I loved and losing the love of my life great dane to bone cancer...storm, after storm, after storm.  While it's times like these that I do find myself praying more, it's also times like this that I find myself trying to take control.

Currently, I have a job that I am thankful to have, an apartment I love, the best friends in the world, a family who would do anything for me, and my health has significantly improved.  Sounds like rainbows and sunshine. 

And then, someone asks about my love life. To call it a natural disaster would be optimistic.  I have recently found myself dating (casually) someone that I really like.  He is an amazing guy, one with the qualities that every girl wants in a man.  One my daddy would be proud to see me with.  And, on top of all of that, my friends actually approve.  At first thought, I was like, "finally, all my waiting has paid off."  After the past 48 hours, I realize my thinking might be a bit premature.

As history tends to repeat itself, this one is a little broken.  He hasn't dated in a couple of years (since his divorce) and doesn't seem to think he is ready.  Are you asking the same question that came immediately to my mind?  Why in the world did he make the effort to come up, talk to me, take my number, and begin seeing me??  I did ask this.  Apparently, I didn't appear as awesome at first glance as I really am.  So, here I am, with this prince charming-like guy, but no white horse. 

While having this untimely and uncomfortable conversation with him, I felt the heartache from relationships past creeping up on me.  I felt myself almost start to cry.  The emotions that I had thought I had locked away forever quickly resurfaced and almost stronger than before.  Everything in me said, "get up and walk away."  As I told him, I have been here before, had this same conversation, and it ended abruptly with me standing there holding the pieces of my heart that were left behind. 

As the night went on, my heart pleaded with me to reconsider.  I mean, he didn't say there was no chance, he just said he couldn't promise.  Without notice, I find myself thinking about the quote from a previous post, "It is a risk to love.  What if it doesn't work out? Ah, but what if it does?"  In fact, I found myself saying to him 'Well, I guess even if you were out looking for a relationship, that would hold no promise to me."  Am I searching for hope where there is no hope to be found?  Am I selling myself short waiting for someone who isn't interested in being waited on?  Or, am I just a hopeless romantic, incapable of walking away from the possibility of love?

I am forced to make a decision...do I follow my head and walk away now, or, do I allow my heart to become involved and lean on my faith to carry me through, regardless the risk?  I'm torn.  I really want to prove to myself that I have the faith to go in blind, with no promises of a happily ever after and risk heartache, knowing if God brings me to it, He'll bring me through it. But, the fear of doing so is overwhelming. 

I do believe this one is worth the risk.  Aren't they all?  And so it begins to rain...

Wake Me, Please!

"And that's what adulthood is: you wake from the nightmare and realize there's no bigger bed to climb into."  Everyone has a different nightmare, a fear of some sort.  My nightmare?  Dating.

I always thought I was good at it.  I would go out with a guy, he'd like me, I'd like him, we'd end up in a relationship.  This went on for about 12 years...3 relationships, about a month or 2 in between.  Easy.  When the last one ended about a year and a half ago, I realized I didn't know who I was.  I had spent so much time adjusting to someone else's idea of life, of who I should be, that I was completely lost.  I needed a new start, a new me.  And so it begins.

I didn't date for a while, about 8 and a half months to be exact.  Then it happened.  While celebrating St. Patrick's Day, I met a boy.  I didn't like him initially.  I liked interacting with him, but I wasn't interested.  After a declined invitation and 2 cancellations, I caved.  I'm not going to lie, when I finally went out with him, I was instantly taken with this one.  3 months in, he tells me how much he likes me, thinks about me, misses me, blah, blah blah.  It was everything a girl wants to hear.  The next morning, he got up early, left on a plane for work, and basically never spoke to me again.  He had once played the song "Chances Are" from the movie Country Strong for me.  If you aren't familiar, google the lyrics.  You'll wonder why I didn't run full force in the other direction immediately.  But, there I was, actually here I am, wondering what the hell just happened.  Not really the happily ever after ending I was promised as a little girl. 

Fast forward 7 months.  I've not dated anyone since.  I was happy.  I had a ton of new friends, new activities, and kept my social calendar slam-packed with fun.  Then it happened.  I was out celebrating my birthday with a friend when he walked by.  He caught my attention immediately.  In fact, so quickly that I said to my friend, "there he is.  he is my type."  This should have been my first red flag.  A therapist once told me, if you have a type and are always getting the same results, try something (someone) new.  Next time you see a group of guy, don't go for the one you are attracted to...go for one of his friends.  I should have taken his advice. 

It wasn't long before I caught his attention and he came over, well sent a friend over, to talk to me.  We went out the next night.  For about 2 months, he texted daily, initiated seeing me a couple of times a week, met several of my friends.  I was smitten.  Can you guess what happened next?  Yep, nightmare.  Deja vu to say the least. 

How is it I keep finding myself in the same position?  What am I missing?  What am I doing wrong?  How many girls ask themselves the same questions after a break-up or a disappearing act? 

As I lie here on my couch, wondering why my latest crush isn't texting, I can't help but think how much happier I was when I wasn't dating.  If it weren't for him, I would have gone out with one of my girlfriends like I do every Wednesday night, enjoying the night, not worrying about a boy or not checking my phone constantly for a new message. 

So, here I am. This is my nightmare.  Dating.  My mommy, daddy or prince charming isn't here to wipe away the tears, kiss away the hurt or even place a band-aid over the still bleeding wound.  And, the only bed to crawl into is my own. 

The question remains, do I stay awake for fear of the nightmare or do I dare to dream?

Are men really confidence-sucking creatures or are we victims of our own demise?

I went to church tonight with a girlfriend of mine.  They are having a three week series for singles.  He talked a lot about knowing your identity and being confident in who you are.  The service was packed, about 2000 singles (encouraging, yet discouraging?) so the wait to get out of the parking garage was pretty long.  She and I started talking about what's going on in our lives, and most importantly, if there are any potential boys on the radar.  She and I are a lot a like.  We dated roommates for years and pretty much found ourselves in the same situation while in and out of those relationships.  And now, years later, as we talk about what was said during church, we both have the same question. 

I have spent the majority of my dating life in a relationship.  It's only been within the past year and a half that I have decided that staying single to learn and grow would be beneficial to both myself and whomever I might date in the future.  Recently I told my friends, I am finally happy.  Finally confident in myself.  Finally know who I am.  Finally know what I want.  And in saying all of that, I was confident.  So, without even thinking, I started to date again. 

It's only been about 2 months since I came to this point.  And after only a short time, all of the insecurities I had in the past have resurfaced.  In less than 60 days, I have completely lost who I am.  How does this happen?  I'm not in love or even dating someone seriously.  So where is my confidence, my contentment?  Does this boy have some magical spell that keeps me wondering, doubting that I am worthy of his attention, or is it my over-analyzing that causes me to question every little text, word, conversation, date, and anything else that can be picked apart into a million pieces?  And, if it's me, how do I stop?

Maybe tonight was an eye-opener.  Maybe that particular friend invited me to that particular service because God knew I needed to hear that particular guy speak about that particular subject.  Is God waving a big red flag at me saying, "You are not ready." or, "Take a step back." Or, in my over-analyzing as I type this, is God telling me, "Relax, there's no reason to be insecure."

I could argue any side of it, but it doesn't answer my question: What is it about the male species that makes us so insecure, or is it that we fear rejection and failure so badly that we are constantly doubting ourselves? 

Kind of graphic, but the light symbolizes our thoughts and how over-analyzing can kill us!